I’m 31, and I just got back from a beach trip that was supposed to be relaxing. It wasn’t. It ended with me on a porch, bags packed, salt in the air, wondering who I’d actually agreed to marry.
I met Brandon a year ago at a friend’s engagement party—polished, steady, the kind of man who opens doors and calls you “darlin’” like he invented manners. We were quick: dinners to weekends, weekends to I-love-yous. Two months ago he proposed on a quiet hike outside Asheville. I cried, said yes, and didn’t think twice about chipped nails or sweat on my back.
We started planning in bursts—his spring vs. my fall, his “whatever flowers” vs. my three Pinterest boards. Then he came home with an idea: a week at his family’s beach house in South Carolina. “Mom really wants you there,” he said, casual voice, flicker in his eyes.
I’d met Janet. Pearls at brunch. Compliments that landed like darts. “Do your people believe in table manners?” she once asked, dead serious. When I wore lavender nail polish she smiled and said, “Bold.” I always left feeling measured by a list no one would show me.
Still, a beach is a beach. Maybe time together would help. We rolled into a beautiful house with wraparound porches and wave-noise even in the driveway. I was dragging my suitcase when Brandon said, almost as an afterthought, “We’re in separate rooms.”
I stopped. He scratched his neck and added, “Mom thinks it’s improper before marriage.” He hadn’t mentioned this. I swallowed my annoyance and decided to let it go. I was tired; I didn’t want to start with a fight.
Morning one, I’m making coffee when Janet breezes in wearing a robe and a smile that never touches her eyes. “Sweetie, would you tidy my room today? Just light cleaning. The maid service is outrageous.” I stared. “Practice for the lady of the house,” she added. I put on sunglasses and took a very long walk.
Day two on the beach she lounged under a wide umbrella like a queen. “Honey, bring me a cocktail?” she sang out. Brandon was playing paddleball and didn’t hear. Then: “Reapply my sunscreen?” Then: “Be a doll and rub my feet. My bunions.” I blinked at her. “Janet, I’m on vacation, too.” Her smile thinned. Brandon pulled me aside to whisper that I was being rude—“She’s trying to include you.” Include me in what, exactly?
By the fourth night I went upstairs early with a fake headache because dinner had been a tightrope. Janet interrogated the menu about ethical sourcing and then mused, eyes on me, that “some women just don’t have a natural hand in the kitchen.” Brandon sipped his wine and said nothing.
Around ten I remembered my phone charging on the patio and crept downstairs. Voices floated from the kitchen. I paused.
“She didn’t pass the feet test,” Janet said, laughing softly. “Did you see her face?”
“I know,” Brandon sighed. “She refused to clean your room.”
“She’s the fifth one,” Janet added, pleased.
Fifth?
Brandon’s voice dropped. “Should we tell her?”
“Oh no. Let her figure it out,” Janet purred. “If she can’t handle a little vacation etiquette, how will she survive our family?”
I backed away, heart banging. Separate rooms. The errands. The way he watched me, silent, like there was a scorecard. It wasn’t random; it was designed.
At three in the morning, I scrolled his old Instagram posts. There they were: different women over different summers, each smiling beside Janet on the same white porch swing, captions like “Family Week!” or “Momma J’s Summer Escape.” Four fiancées-before-me who vanished from the feed after beach week. I wasn’t first. I was next.
By sunrise, I had a plan.
We were supposed to do brunch at some “charming café.” I pressed a hand to my stomach and said the headache had lingered. “You two go ahead.” Janet’s eyes narrowed; Brandon hesitated; then they left.
I started with muffins—Janet’s favorite lemon poppyseed mix I found in the pantry. I added extra lemon, the kind that bites back. While they baked, I lined her beach shoes neatly by the door and labeled them with sticky notes: “Left = bunion. Right = attitude.” Upstairs, in her monogrammed notepad, I wrote a to-do list: “Scrub tub. Change linens. Polish Brandon’s ego.”
Then I went to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and slid off my engagement ring. I tucked it between two jars of her infamous “Momma’s Pickles,” the ones that tasted like vinegar and regret.
In the guest bathroom mirror, I wrote with red lipstick: “Thanks for the free test. I hope you both pass the next one—with each other. I’m going home to find someone who doesn’t need his mom’s permission to share a bed. P.S. I added lemon. Lots.” 🍋
I packed fast. Relief outweighed the ache. A rideshare pulled up as I rolled my suitcase down the steps. The waves sounded beautiful. The house looked like it should be filled with laughter. It was a test site, nothing more.
“Rough trip?” the driver asked as she lifted my bag.
“You could say that,” I told her, climbing in.
We passed Brandon’s car turning onto the street. I didn’t look back.
On the plane home to Michigan, I deleted every photo from the week, unfollowed them, blocked him everywhere. My phone went quiet in a way that felt like oxygen. As the plane lifted, I laughed—not bitter, not mean, just finally free.
I’m not a test. I’m not “attempt number five.” I’m Kiara—31, steady, kind, and done pretending that someone else’s small, controlled version of love is enough. They can keep their rules, their pickles, their lemon muffins.
I passed the only test that mattered: I chose myself.