On a calm Sunday evening, Bert and Edna, an elderly couple, are seated on the porch swing.
They have been wed for fifty-five years. They are both drinking lukewarm tea while they watch squirrels in the yard battle for a Cheeto as the sun sets and the birds sing.
Edna sighs suddenly and says, “Bert, let’s discuss our bucket lists.”
Bert’s eyebrows go up. “Lists of buckets? I’m 87, Edna. “Wake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants” is the last item on my list.
Edna laughs. “No, I’m not kidding. Each of us should do something we’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the opportunity to do before we leave.
Bert pauses to reflect. “All right, all right. Skydiving has always been a dream of mine.
Edna’s eyes enlarge. “Skydiving? Bert, you fainted for three minutes the last time you knelt down to tie your shoe.
Bert gives a shrug. “Well, just let me land in the neighbor’s garden if I do fall in midair. My goal has always been to haunt him.
Edna nods and they laugh. “All right, all right. You take a skydive. I’ll complete mine as well.
Bert narrows his eyes. “And what do you have?”
Edna’s eye suddenly sparkles mischievously, just like it did when she “accidentally” dropped Bert’s bowling trophy out the car window during a fight in 1965.
“Bert, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.”
Bert swallows. “What do you confess?”
“You know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?” Edna whispers as she leans in closer.
Bert gives a nod. Yes, I did blame the dog. It hobbled for weeks, poor thing.
Edna grins. “Well, I did it. After you spilled grape soda on my brand-new curtains in 1989, I jammed a spatula in the bottom.
Bert lets out a gasp. “You are a monster!”
Edna chuckles. “And recall how, regardless of the button you pressed, the remote kept switching to the Hallmark channel?”
Bert blinked. “You mentioned that it was haunted!”
Edna smiles. “No. To short-circuit the battery, I adhered a penny inside the compartment. For five years in a row, you never missed a Christmas romance film.
Bert’s jaw falls open. “What made you do that?”
Calmly, Edna sips her tea. “Because slow-motion snowball fights and mistletoe are the best ways to get back at someone, sweetie.”
Bert pauses for a while before leaning back in the swing and saying, “Edna, you know what? I also have a confession.
“Oh?” she asks.
“Do you recall my Saturday “fishing trips” that lasted for ten years?”
Edna gives him a look. “You don’t go fishing.”
“I am aware,” says Bert with pride. “I was at the alley for bowling.” I took home four awards. They are concealed in the basement behind the water heater.
Edna looks at him incredulously. “You mean I unintentionally threw a fake trophy out the window of the car?”
They both started laughing.
Edna purchased a new recliner, Bert went skydiving, and they now go bowling together every Saturday, primarily to watch out for one another.
After nearly 60 years of marriage, an 85-year-old couple tragically died in a car accident and reached the Pearly Gates.
They had been in excellent shape for the past ten years because of the wife’s obsession with exercise and nutritious diets.
After giving them a cordial welcome, St. Peter showed them their heavenly home, which included a gourmet kitchen, a Jacuzzi, a large bedroom, and even a pool table.
“Whoa! “What is the price of this?” the husband inquired.
“Nothing,” said St. Peter. “Everything is free—this is heaven!”
Then he took them to a championship golf course a short drive from their house, where they could play whenever they wanted, have an angel as their caddy, and take in a course that changed every day to resemble the best greens in the world.
“Wonderful!” exclaimed the wife. “What about the green fees?”
“Free,” laughed St. Peter. “Heaven is here.”
They then went on a tour of a five-star restaurant that served an unlimited buffet that included prime rib, lobster, Wagyu beef, exotic vegetables, and dream-like desserts.
Still doubtful, the husband said, “All right, but how much?”
“For the final time, sir… It’s free. Heaven is here!
The husband paused. “So, are there any low-fat, low-cholesterol options available?”
St. Peter chuckled. “You won’t get sick or put on weight in heaven. Consume anything you like!
The husband’s face flushed, his fists clenched, and he began yelling at the sky.
Confused, his wife questioned, “What’s wrong?
He shouted, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” and pointed at her. We could still be here today if it weren’t for your paleo chicken and bran muffins!